Unveiling the Sparkle Within: A Tale of Recovery and Renewal

Trigger Warning: This blog post contains content about self-harm which some individuals may find distressing.

Guest blog post by Heather Majewski

I took the soda bottle full of vodka and just started drinking. I wanted the thoughts telling me I wasn’t good enough to stop, I wanted the feeling of heartbreak to stop, I wanted my whole existence to stop. Little did I know, that was exactly what would almost happen.

I was 17 years old, living in a small rural town outside of Buffalo, NY. Things had changed so much in the past few years… I was a happy child. I spent most of my time climbing trees, catching nightcrawlers for fishing, and making maps of the surrounding woods. When I hit my later teenage years, there was a shift. I was melancholy more days than not with a quick temper. At 16, I met my first real boyfriend and started hanging out with his friends in another small town called Bliss. It was anything but.

It was there that I started using drugs and alcohol. Most of the time it was just a weekend thing. I didn’t think it was a problem. I was having fun. All my friends were doing it. Most parents knew what was going on and were “okay” with it because at least they knew where we were. 

As time went on my melancholy thickened. I began going to sleep at night hoping, praying, that I wouldn’t wake up. Of course, there were some external stressors that I was experiencing. School was challenging; I was in a bunch of accelerated classes, I was a little eccentric, and most of my friends were from another school district. My boyfriend turned out to be quite a narcissist, but I didn’t know what that was at the time and thought that if I was a better girlfriend, he would be kinder to me. 

When I was 17, my boyfriend went on vacation with his friends. When he returned, he told me that he no longer wanted to be together. His reason was that he could see himself with me for the rest of his life and it scared him. I was crushed. I had fastened my existence to his and in a moment that connection was severed. 

My friend picked me up and we decided to go to Letchworth State Park, the Grand Canyon of the East. I always liked riding around with this friend. He was witty with an air of confidence I didn’t see in many people. I remember him driving this two-door, stick shift hoopty with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. “Ya know, Heather,” he inhales deeply, “you’re better off without him. Reach under the seat and have a swig. It will help you feel better.” I did just that. But I had a bit more than just a “swig.” 

I don’t remember getting to the park. I don’t remember going on a hike. I do, however, remember looking over the cliff as I began to lose my balance. Thankfully, I had a sober friend with me that grabbed my arm before I toppled over the edge. 

My friend took me home. I didn’t feel well; emotionally, physically or spiritually. We pulled into my driveway and my father knew something was very wrong. I recall tripping and falling on the hood of the car, swearing at him, and going up to my room. 

After sleeping for a bit, I awoke with the most intense sadness I had ever felt. I couldn’t take it anymore. I found a disposable razor in my room and pried one of the blades out. I began sawing the blade back and forth across my wrist until I passed out again. In the middle of the night, I woke up and did it again. 

The following morning, my parents discovered what I had done. There was blood all over my arms. My mom took me to the kitchen sink and washed the blood away. The physical cuts were small, the emotional cuts ran much deeper. 

After my physical wounds were determined not to be life-threatening, I was dismissed. It was not discussed further. I am sure my parents didn’t know what to do. I am sure they were experiencing as many uncomfortable feelings as I was. I know they love me. I also know that people do the best they can with what they have. 

I didn’t know at the time that this would be the beginning of a long road of using drugs and alcohol to numb my uncomfortable feelings. I progressed from marijuana to opiates and amphetamines. In my twenties I was a shell of what I used to be. No remnant of that sparkly-eyed girl I used to be. 

In 2012, there was a shift. I had an encounter with the Creator of the Universe. 

As a child, I would attend after-school religion classes and go to Sunday school with our neighbors. I invited Jesus Christ into my heart at age 11. That is one of my most vivid memories, the color of the carpet, the smell of the room, the feeling of Light flooding my little body. As I grew, the relationship I had with God seemed less important and faded.

After more than 10 years of using drugs and alcohol to numb my feelings, something shifted. I heard a voice say, “Heather, I would like your help with a unifying movement.” At the time I thought I was losing my mind. Without explanation, my alcohol use began to wane. Much to my surprise, so did my opiate use. I had been on them consistently for about 10 years, taking much more than I was prescribed. My cravings diminished and then disappeared. 

In 2018, I rekindled my relationship with God and began working in the field of Addiction Recovery. I am so blessed to work alongside some of the most compassionate and brilliant people. I can say with certainty that when I look in the mirror, the sparkle has returned.

Heather Majewski is a Recovery Coach and Outreach Coordinator for a small nonprofit. She is dedicated to partnerships in hope and recovery for those living with behavioral mental health issues and substance use disorder. Heather is also a wife, bible study teacher, worship leader, swing dancer, biohacker and motorcyclist.